make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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