I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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