I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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