I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
