I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
