I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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