I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
