You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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