Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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