I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize