i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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