So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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