I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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