i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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