he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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