i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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