I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
