Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize