Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
