If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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