Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Life is so much better after having sex.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize