I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
My dick has a subreddit
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
