We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
