dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
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