I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
