I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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