dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
