i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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