I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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