I wish I could teleport
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
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