why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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