Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
