Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
