you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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