The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
