I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
