took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
