Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
