i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
so much tequila, so little girl.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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