im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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