Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
