I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Randomize