My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Randomize
