So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
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