Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
