Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I currently don't understand fingers.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
