An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
BRING THE BAGELS
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
