I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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