i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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