I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
