the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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