3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
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