Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
