she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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