he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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