I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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