MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
