awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
