I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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