handjob tips. give me some.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
