pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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