forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Randomize
