Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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